Where you learn how to stop caring what other people think…
… and start caring more about what you think.
Do you sometimes feel like your brain just will not shut up about what everyone else thinks of you?
it doesn’t matter how many times you try to reassure it, it just keeps spinning.
You intellectually understand that a person you met off Tinder last week shouldn’t be in charge of your self-esteem, but you’re still checking your phone 37 times a day for a text back to prove that they thought you were worth dating.
You know theoretically that you aren’t supposed to have to be perfect to succeed, but you can’t stop worrying that your boss thinks you’re an idiot who should be fired any time you make a minor mistake.
You would tell your friend who yelled at her kids that no one is a perfect parent and you’d mean it, but if you so much as snap at your kids you imagine what the parents in the pickup line would think and feel guilty and ashamed the minute the anger wears off.
You want to love your body and be nicer to yourself, but you still feel stressed every time you have to get dressed for an event because you worry other people are judging your body or your style.
If this is you, my friend?
You are not alone, and you are not the problem.
(And there is no way to just “fix” yourself enough to quiet your brain!)
The real problem is that Society has taught you to worry more about what other people think about you than about what you think about yourself.
Your fears about other people’s judgements are not random.
They are YOUR judgements about yourself.
That’s why in order to stop worrying so much about what other people think of you, you have to change the way you’re thinking about yourself.
After all, when you’re proud of something about you (or you just believe it’s neutral), do you worry about other people not liking it?
No. You do not.
(I’ve never worried that someone thought I was too smart, or too accomplished, or too brunette!)
Other people’s opinions only bother us when they lock into something we subconsciously reject about ourselves.
That’s why changing the way you think about yourself is the key to never worrying about what someone else thinks of you ever again.
(Imagine the freedom of doing the work you want to do, the ease of wearing what you want to wear, the joy of dating with confidence, the expansiveness of living life on your own terms!)
The Feminist Self-Help Society is where you learn to think about yourself differently – so what other people think of you just stops mattering.
“But shouldn’t I care what other people think, Kara?”
Well, that depends on what you mean by caring about what they think.
Yes, it’s natural for humans to be concerned about their social status and relationships, because we evolved in tribes of close-knit hunter-gatherers.
BUT have you noticed that men don’t seem as consumed by their fears about what other people think of them all the time?
They speak up in meetings (even when they have nothing to say!). They leave the house without even looking in a mirror. They take time to do their own thing without worrying they will be seen as bad husbands or dads.
That’s because men are not trained to self-evaluate, self-judge, and self-police the way women are.
Whereas for those of us socialized as women, our internal critics are operating 24/7 and they are constantly comparing how far we are from living up to impossible social standards in every area of our lives.
So yes, it’s evolutionarily sensible to generally want the cooperative good-will of your fellow humanss.
But constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks of us in all areas to a distressing or even paralyzing degree – is NOT “just the way people are.”
It’s not healthy.
And it doesn’t have to be this way.
Imagine your life…
Free of fears about other people’s judgment.
Free of your own self-judgement.
A life where you feel confident in your value, your decisions, and your worth.
Imagine: All that negative self-talk? It’s gone for good.
Which means better sleep, less stress, more focus, and a lot more mental and emotional energy for the rest of your life.
Imagine: Not just believing empowering ideas in the abstract, but actually feeling empowered every day.
Which means you set that boundary, you go for that dream job, you dump that lackluster partner and find an awesome one, you kick ass at your creative pursuit.
Imagine: Giving fewer f*cks about what society has told you you have to do and who society has told you you have to be.
Which means actually living your life the way you want to live it. Maybe you quit your job and move to the French Riviera to raise prize chihuahuas. Or maybe you’re living in the same house in the same suburb with the same family you were before, but everything feels different inside.
“I feel different, lighter.”
I know I have options in how I think, and even with difficult thoughts that I’m still picking apart. Because I’ve had changes happen already, there’s this whiff of possibility in the air. I had been diagnosed with severe anxiety a few years ago but it feels much more manageable now.
—Jenni
You may have tried therapy.
You may have tried yoga and meditation.
You may even have tried other kinds of coaching.
And they probably all helped, somewhat.
But without correctly identifying the cause of your fears about what other people think, none of them can solve the problem permanently.
Changing the way you think about yourself changes just about everything else in your life. And our Society members are living proof.
Here’s just a taste of the shifts you can create:
(Backed up with real stories from our members.)
You show up at work as your competent, confident, bad-ass self.
You can produce great results, take risks, and handle it when things don’t go as planned. You know your worth, you advocate for it, and you knock your role out of the park. And when you go home at night, your work brain turns off just like your office light.
I WAS PRETTY MUCH AT BREAKING POINT WITH MY ANXIETY WHEN I JOINED.
Now I’m not and I didn’t even have to quit my job to do it which seems like a miracle from where I was last year. I don’t live every waking minute terrified about what my boss is thinking and I’m actually okay with him thinking negative thoughts about me.
– Anne
WOWZA HAVE I SEEN CHANGES FROM DOING THIS WORK.
But most especially when it comes to dating and relationships. The person I’m dating now has all of the qualities I want in a partner. It’s a wildly different experience of dating like nothing I’ve ever done.
– Devon
You don’t give dates who ghost you a second thought.
You love your single life, you enjoy dating, and when you’re ready to settle down you know how to find the right partner for you without all the drama and dismay.
Mom guilt? You’re over it.
You’re way more patient with your kids in the first place, but if you do occasionally get short with them you know how to get back on track and make amends without the spiral.
THE TOOLS I’VE LEARNED HAVE RADICALLY AFFECTED MY PARENTING.
I am so much less attached to my kids’ outcomes. They can be mad, they can be sad, they can fuss, and cry, and I can still feel like I’m doing just fine. I’m so much less anxious and stressed as a parent.
– Bethany
MY BODY IMAGE WENT FROM DISORDERED EATING AND NEVER LOOKING IN THE MIRROR TO LOVING MY BUTT AND THIGHS AND NOT THINKING ABOUT WHAT I EAT (OUTSIDE OF ENJOYING IT).
I can actually rest and take time off without shaming myself the whole time, and I’ve freed up so much brain energy that I’m now launching a business and holding down a full-time biotech job at the same time, which I would never have thought I was capable of.
– Kyra
Ice cream two days in a row? That’s just a great weekend.
Your self-esteem doesn’t soar and dive based on what you ate that day or if your pants are tight, and you’re able to go through life with your body as your friend, not your frenemy.
SINCE JOINING THE SOCIETY I HAVE:
Doubled my salary
Found a job I truly love
Become my own best friend
Earned my master’s degree
Had my first romantic relationship
Completed two impossible goals
Run four 5ks, including my first 5k
Healed my platonic anxious attachment
Made enormous progress on my romantic anxious attachment
Stopped linking my self-worth and productivity
Learned to accept all of my emotions
All of these changes in circumstances pale in comparison to how different I feel as a person.
Thank you to Kara for the absolute magic you have bottled here for us.”
– SARAH
Are you ready to stop giving a f*ck what other people think?
Thousands of women from all over the world already have.
I want you to be next.
And who am I? I’m a world-level expert at shedding the weight of other people’s opinions.
I’M KARA LOEWENTHEIL, founder of The School of New Feminist Thought and creator of The Feminist Self-Help Society. I’m the host of the internationally top-ranked podcast UnF*ck Your Brain, and the NYT-bestselling author of “Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head — and How to Get It Out (Penguin 2024).
My work has been featured in publications like Glamour and The New York Times, and praised on podcasts as varied as “My Favorite Murder” to “We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle.”
But most relevant to you, I’m an example of what happens when you stop prioritizing other people’s opinions above your own.
I quit my job running a think tank at Columbia Law School to become a life coach, horrifying everyone who knew me – and now I’ve helped women all over the world.
I quit caring what other people thought of my body and learned to love it – which allowed me to get out of dead-end dating and find and marry the perfectly imperfect man I love.
I quit worrying about what my non-profit and social justice friends and colleagues thought of me – which allowed me to build a business with no experience or outside investment that has now created $25,000,000 of revenue.
So let’s just say I know a thing or two about quitting other people’s opinions to win on your own terms!
“Sounds great FOR YOU, but will this actually work for me?”
My work was recently part of a double-blind clinical study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association Network Open.
It showed coaching had a better outcome on measures of burnout, imposter syndrome, self-compassion, and flourishing than almost any other intervention that had been studied in some of the same populations.
“Sounds great, but will this actually work for me?”
My work was recently part of a double-blind clinical study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association Network Open.
(Yep, what the researchers studied included the same content and coaching that’s inside The Society.)
It showed coaching had a better outcome on measures of burnout, imposter syndrome, self-compassion, and flourishing than almost any other intervention that had been studied in some of the same populations.
“Just knowing that I can take care of myself in this way is so liberating.”
I worked with two different counselors before joining The Society. They talked through what was wrong, but never gave me a concrete action that I could do to help myself. But now, being in The Society my anxiety levels have gone way down (let’s say from an 8 to a 3). I actually have tools to work through whatever’s triggering my anxiety! Just knowing that I can take care of myself in this way is so liberating.
– Allison
WHAT'S WAITING FOR YOU INSIDE THE SOCIETY:
The Feminist Mindset Fix
A foundational course that teaches you cognitive-change tools you’ll use for the rest of your life. This is how you start to rewire your brain to stop fixating on what other people think of you.
Signature Courses
With a feminist cognitive-based approach to improving every area of your life, including work stress, money, friendships, family, relationships, time management, sex, dating, trauma, the nervous system, and more.
Ask the Coaches
A 24/7 anonymous written coaching forum where you can submit whatever’s troubling you and get expert advice from one of my Feminist Self-Help Society Coaches, guaranteed.
The Library
An enormous vault of searchable coaching advice so that you can get help with any problem immediately — in both written and audio resources for all learning styles.
Live Coaching Calls
Watch thought-change work happen in real time. Monthly calls with me, weekly calls with the FSS Coaches, plus extra BIPOC-only calls lead by Certified Feminist Coaches of Color.
FEMINIST COMMUNITY
Optional for those who enjoy social media communities, full of smart courageous women who love to help each other out with coaching questions, thought change tactics, and new beliefs, you’ll love our private Facebook group.
For total access to all the above —
plus invitations to our workshops, private events, and special opportunities throughout the year…
Your investment is
$5/day
There’s no minimum commitment or maximum stay.
You learn what you need, then graduate yourself any time.
I’m not the only one who’s used these tools to change my life….
Here are just a few stories from our Society students:
Still on the fence about joining?
Let me ask you one final question:
If today was your last day on earth, would you feel you had lived your life strongly, boldly, and on your own terms?
Or would you – like most people on their deathbeds – regret having worried so much about what other people thought of you, and lived so much of your life trying to please them?
Generations of women have lived unfulfilling lives because they had no economic, political or social power – so their lives truly depended on pleasing everyone else.
BUT WE HAVE A CHANCE TO DO IT DIFFERENTLY.
To live our lives guided by our own values, preferences and beliefs.
The Society will teach you how.
Raise your hand if you’ve got a question! Yes, you there. Go ahead.
This is such a common question — and please don’t take this personally, but I think it’s the wrong question to ask. Women are socialized to think that they only deserve things they NEED and also that they NEED to make the right decision all the time. So we’re always trying to figure out if we “need” something to justify a decision.
But it’s not about what you need. It’s about what you WANT.
- Do you WANT to feel less anxious?
- Do you WANT to feel more empowered and confident?
- Do you WANT to have absolute faith in your ability to create ANY outcome you want in your life?
If those are things you want, then that’s what matters. And that’s what The Society will provide.
Nope, you’ll notice small shifts as soon as you start this work.
After two months in The Society, you’ll start noticing that you just feel … a bit more chill.
Your emotions aren’t so much of a rollercoaster. You’re getting more done and starting to feel more confident about your abilities and your worth. You’re a little nicer to yourself. You’re spending less time scrolling Instagram feeling bad about yourself, and more time blowing your own mind with thought work in the The Society.
After four months in The Society, you’ll realize it’s been a while since you took sh*t personally.
Suddenly, without quite knowing how it happened, you just feel less judgmental of yourself and everyone around you. You won’t get freaked out when something unexpected happens, because you know you can handle it. You catch your reflection in the mirror and surprise yourself by thinking “damn girl, looking good!” You have more patience with yourself and those around you.
After six months in The Society, your brain starts coaching itself.
You’re naturally and effortlessly thinking more positive, productive, and helpful thoughts, and when you look back at your thoughts from month one, you don’t even recognize some of them anymore. You show up at work as the bad-ass you always knew you could be. You show up in your personal life as the magnetic, loving, and happy woman you always wanted to be. And most importantly you’re excited for the future, because you are so proud of the work you’ve already done that you can’t wait to find out where managing your mind and The Society are going to take you next!
And after that? The sky is the limit. And the one thing you know for sure is that The Society will be there to help you get wherever you want to go.
This is a very normal fear! We’ve all been there.
First, there’s literally no such thing as doing everything or completing it all.
When you go to college you aren’t trying to take ALL the courses, are you? No. You take the ones relevant to your interests, and when you are fully educated in that you graduate. The Society is the same.
More importantly, The Society is designed differently, because I created it in such a way that it can make a big difference in your life even with very little time spent on it. You can spend 5 minutes a day or 5 hours a week, and you’ll see results.
I’m going to let one of The Society’s members tell you how big of a difference The Society can make even when don’t have a lot of time or aren’t the joining type.
KELLY:
I don’t get on the website often, and I don’t participate in coaching. I read others’ posts. I listen to the weekly podcast. That’s. It.
So let me tell you all what happened yesterday. I got walked down to HR and was told they were eliminating my position. They offered me an 8-week severance and made me turn in my badge on the spot. I have a family with two small girls. I provide the majority of our income.
Let me tell you what also happened yesterday. I didn’t lose my shit. I stood up for myself in that meeting and told them how much of a mistake they are making. I had my own back. I never cried. I came out of there feeling empowered, confident and resourceful. I have never once felt like a victim. They are the ones who lost and this is an opportunity for me to find and work for a company who values their employees, patient quality and patient care.
You don’t have to be a star student in this group to see the effects. Two years ago I would have been crippled with devastation and doom. I would have lived as a victim and not helped myself. I would have had a lack of confidence and felt like an imposter.
Not yesterday!
It’s up to you. We have folks who stay for three months, folks who stay for a year, and folks who have been in The Society since the beginning several years ago.
Your first month starts the day you join. After that you’ll be billed monthly. You can cancel at any time, whenever you want to graduate yourself from The Society and feel ready to handle life’s challenges on your own!
Absolutely not. Therapy and The Society work beautifully together. In fact, we have members in The Society who were referred to us by their therapists, because therapists are not trained in socially-programmed anxiety and feminist thought tools! No matter what kind of mental health treatment you are receiving, learning how to close the Brain Gap and resolve your socially-programmed anxiety is going to make your therapy more impactful and help your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors change more quickly.
I’m going to let one of our FSS members take the mic to answer this one.
I just want to say that this stuff really works.
I just started a job in an industry I used to work in but stopped before I joined FSS. I’m sitting here in awe of my own brain.
I used to be SOOO stressed out and anxious and overwhelmed in this industry and completely burned myself out.
Now I’m calmly setting boundaries, organizing tasks, offering encouragement to coworkers, saying ” no,” and thinking thoughts that are just MAGICAL compared to how I used to exist in this space.It’s surreal.
I literally feel like I’m going through life with a different software system. My brain is noticeably different.
– Sunny
Nope! We have members all over the world, and we try to vary the times of our live offerings to make them accessible to different time zones. Plus all coaching calls and other live offerings are recorded and replays are available on demand so you can fit us into your schedule wherever you are.
We also have members of all different ages, from their late teens into their 70s. It’s never too early or too late to start this work.
And we welcome anyone who was or is socialized as a woman, whatever your gender or current gender expression.
That’s not a problem. There’s no loyalty oath in The Society — our whole mission is to teach you how to think for yourself and believe what you truly want to believe! We’ve got members who are ardent feminists, members who are sure they don’t want to call themselves feminists, and members who aren’t sure what they think about it. The Society is not a good fit for you if you believe that women are an inferior gender and should not have equal rights. But other than that, you’re good.
The podcast is an amazing resource, but it was created one episode at a time over many years, so it’s more like a series of advice columns on a million different topics in no particular order. And when you listen to a podcast you can’t ask a question, get feedback on your attempts to implement what you learn, or get coaching when you’re stuck. The Society not only has teaching and tools that aren’t on the podcast, but it is streamlined and organized. The courses have been put together to focus on specific topics with Kara’s most cutting-edge concepts and tools for those topics. In The Society we’ve got everything you need, including content not on the podcast, and it’s perfectly streamlined and organized for fast, maximum change. Plus you have access to the coaching support you need to keep you moving in the right direction and using everything correctly!