When you’re building a business, raising a family, or navigating relationships, those uncomfortable feelings of inadequacy, jealousy or betrayal feel like roadblocks. But what if they’re actually signposts pointing you toward exactly what you need to examine?
In this Coaching Hotline episode, I answer two listener questions that dig into the messy, uncomfortable territory of growth. First, I’m sharing the specific thoughts that took me to the million-dollar mark by year three of my business. Then I’m answering a question from a listener who agreed to let her partner sleep with someone else and now feels consumed by regret and betrayal. Tune in to hear how the thoughts creating your biggest challenges often contain the seeds of your breakthrough.
Welcome to UnF*ck Your Brain. I’m your host, Kara Loewentheil, Master Certified Coach and founder of The School of New Feminist Thought. I’m here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you’re truly excited to live. Let’s go.
Welcome to this week’s Coaching Hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners and coach you from afar. If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline, all one word. Or text your email to 1-347-997-1784. And when you get prompted for the code word, it’s CoachingHotline, all one word. Let’s get into this week’s questions.
So, this week we’re starting with a question about my thoughts on my business, which I love. It’s always fun to talk about. So the question is, “You mentioned what you made as a coach your first to third year in business. And I’m wondering if you don’t mind sharing what thoughts you used at each stage to get you there? Which main thought got you to make what you did your first year, second year, third year, and now thinking of the future?”
Okay, such an interesting question. So, my first year, what was my thought? My thought my first year was not super empowering. Well, I don’t know if that’s true. So here’s what I’ll say about my first year. I think when I started my business, my thought actually was, this is the secret to life. Like I believe that now. That will always be my thought about this work. This is the secret to life. And so, I initially started and I sold a couple of clients pretty quickly, and then I sort of had about a year to nine months where I was getting like, I had a couple of clients at all times, but there would be months where I would only get one or two new clients as opposed to, you know, I probably was trying to get like seven a month or something.
So I think that that thought, this is the secret to life, it did enable me to kind of sell and build my business a little bit, but in that situation, I don’t think that the thought, this is the secret to life, like that’s not a $50,000 thought, which was my first year of revenue. That’s a like unlimited amount of money thought. But I also had a lot of other thoughts that were getting in the way, right? So I think like the reason that I made $50,000 my first year instead of, you know, I don’t know, 100 or whatever else, was not that specific thought, but it was just a lot of other thoughts about not being able to sell or not knowing how to market, not being good at sales.
I had a lot of money mindset I had to clean up my first year, which went a lot deeper than the business and just had to do with thinking that money was something that other people gave me. I mean, I’d always had jobs, and I’d always been a salaried employee, and my thought that I had grown up with in general was sort of like if you were going to have any money beyond like your nonprofit salary, other people made that and gave that to you. You know, I didn’t identify with being an entrepreneur. I didn’t identify with being a businesswoman. My teacher still teases me that I was like, I’m not a businesswoman. Like, I don’t wear pantsuits and carry a briefcase. So, I think my first year, the thought that did help me make that 50k was this is the secret to life. And what kept me from making 100k my first year were these thoughts about money and not being good at selling and not being a businesswoman, basically.
So, the other thing that’s interesting of course, is like you have to start working on a thought before it actually takes effect, right? You have to learn how to believe it. So I actually remember really clearly, I think that I came up with in like October, so like six months into my first year, I think is when I came up with the thought that actually helped me make 200k my second year in business. But you know, it’s like I was working on that thought for six months before it really kicked in. I think the thought that maybe four months, but it was definitely like in the fall because I remember being at one of my master coach training meetings when I had this thought. So that thought, the thought that really fueled my second year, I think was, I’m doing pretty well not trying that hard. Imagine what would happen if I tried.
It’s like I’ve always been a hard worker. It’s not like I wasn’t doing things. But my first year because I still had all these thoughts about failing or like how I looked, like not how I looked physically, although I probably had those too, but like how I would appear, right? And thoughts about people thinking I’m a life coach and thoughts about selling or marketing. So I was not really, I wouldn’t say I wasn’t working, but I wasn’t putting myself out there hard, if that makes sense. So, I was still like worried about trying and failing, basically. I was not failing big. I wasn’t taking any big risks. I wasn’t really going after it. I was still a little bit caught in that trap of like failing ahead of time, which had really been my whole life, which is so interesting, right? I had this very successful professional career, but emotionally, mentally, I was always just failing ahead of time in my own brain.
So, the thought that really fueled my second year was like, I’ve done pretty well not trying, like imagine what would happen if I actually tried. And that thought produced $200,000, which was four times more than not trying. I think that was my main thought that really fueled that second year. And the other big thing I will say is that thought kind of kicked in and then a few months after that, so about more than a year, maybe four, no, about a year after I’d started my business, I had just started my podcast, I was starting to get a few more clients a month, and I hired a kind of bookkeeper CFO type person.
And I remember our first call, like in my brain, my business quote wasn’t working yet because I still had like credit card debt from startup expenses and I hadn’t paid that off yet and it wasn’t fully supporting me yet. So of course my thought was like that my business isn’t where it should be or I’m not making enough money yet, and that was obviously, although I was doing better than my first year, it was still holding me back.
And I really remember that he looked at it and he was like, “Oh, this is a totally working business. Like, you have revenue coming in every month, it’s predictable, you’re getting new clients. You’re not overspending on expenses. Of course you have startup debt. That’s no big deal. All businesses do. We’re just going to pay it down. You’re not even going to think about it.” And it was like an amount of money that to me is, you know, what was my, it was like $15,000 or something on my business credit card or 20. I don’t know. It was just like an amount now that I like wouldn’t even notice probably, but it was so big to me then.
So that thought also was really powerful. And I talk a lot when I work with new coaches about what I think are kind of unrealistic expectations coaches have where they think that because they don’t have a lot of overheads, they’re like, “Well, but I can work from home and I whatever,” they’re not going to have to invest in their businesses or not going to have to probably incur some debt to get started, which is not how anyone thinks about any other business. No one’s like, I’m going to open a restaurant and why would I need a loan or to invest in a space or food, right? Most businesses operate at a loss the first two years or three years of their existence.
Some businesses operate at a loss for a lot longer. And so, I think that kind of shift mentally from like the consumer model of debt, which is like, “Oh, it’s bad and it’s something moral and like you shouldn’t have it and it means you were not thrifty or whatever,” to a business model of debt, which is like, of course you have debt. All businesses have debt. That’s why credit was invented. And now I actually don’t operate with debt, even though a lot of businesses operate with credit forever, right? To avoid having to pay too many taxes. So, I would say those two thoughts were for the second year.
And then the third year, what was my thought for the third year? It’s a good question. I think my thought for the third year was, it’s interesting, I’m not totally sure. I think that those thoughts, like the second-year thoughts kind of bled into the third year. In my third year, I actually hadn’t set a goal to make a million when I did. My goal had been to make half a million. And then I made a million. What is the thought that was creating half a million? I think my thought was like, I mean, part of the reason it’s hard to answer this is I was coaching myself all the time on my business. I had like a million thoughts, right?
But I think the thought in my third year was kind of like, this is fun. I had switched to doing groups. I had expanded beyond lawyers. I really love coaching and teaching in groups. I could see the women were taking the work so much deeper. I had started charging more and it was working. I think I just was sort of like, holy shit, like you can do whatever you want. This is fun. I think those were my thoughts. I think that was the thought that got me to 500 maybe, and then the second, you know, thoughts don’t always work like in annual anniversaries. Like the thought, I think I started thinking around the time that I started getting towards a million, and the thought that I think now, and my goal this year is probably $1.5 million is, my thought is like, I’m changing the world.
In the beginning, I needed a lot of thoughts about like myself, and my ability to do it, and my business, and like my ability to have a business. And now my thought is just like, I’m on a mission and I’m changing the world. And the money is just a byproduct of putting myself out there, getting my message out there, reaching more women, and changing their lives. I love that question. It’s so interesting. I need to start writing down like my main annual business thoughts so I have a record.
All right, y’all. I know you’re as tired as I am of having the top podcasts in wellness or health and fitness categories be a bunch of dudes who don’t know anything about socialization and who are not taking women’s lived experiences into account. So, if you are looking for ways to support the show, and more importantly, make sure the show gets to more people, please leave us a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. And bonus points if you include a few lines about the way you use thought work and self-coaching or anything you’ve learned from the podcast in your daily life. Those reviews are what teach the algorithms to show us to more new people. It helps us get new listeners all over the world. And I’ll be reading one story from a recent review in each of these question and answer episodes.
I am obsessed with today’s review. It’s all about how the podcast can help you with anxiety. This review comes from Hey Rach and the title is, “A podcast that can actually get rid of your anxiety.” She says, “I have lived with anxiety since my early 20s when I started my first full-time job. My anxiety became so overwhelming that it was debilitating. Listening to Kara’s coaching on this podcast really opened my eyes to the fact that I was in control of my thoughts and feelings. I used to feel out of control, and now I am calm and at ease. My partner now asks me if I’m okay because I am quiet and at peace. My answer is always, ‘Yes, I’m good. Thank you.’ Every time I reply that, I’m reminded of the 180-degree shift from my constant complaining and not being okay to honestly answering that I’m fine because I know I’m in control. Thank you, Kara.”
Okay, next question. “My husband and I agreed to him having sex with another woman without me. I thought I would be okay, but it’s brought up immense feelings of betrayal. My confidence has plummeted. I don’t want to have sex anymore and my trust is broken. We agreed to do this, so why do I have all of these thoughts and feelings come up for me? How do I start repairing my thoughts of myself and the relationship? Please help, I’m so lost.”
Okay, my love. So here’s what’s going on. First of all, let’s not make this mysterious. You are having these feelings because you’re having thoughts. Your thought when you agreed to do it doesn’t control your brain forever, right? So you had a thought that led you to agree to do it, and now you’re having lots of thoughts and feelings. My guess is that you were not really that secure in your agreement to do it. I don’t think that you had looked at all these thoughts because they probably didn’t come from nowhere, but probably your fears about it were unconscious and you weren’t paying attention to them. Right? I have no idea why you said you would do it. I’m not saying it’s bad to say to do this. Of course, like people can decide in their relationships how to do whatever they want and have sex with other people and whatever. I just mean for you particularly, it sounds like probably if you are having so many negative thoughts about it now, you probably did not say yes for the right reasons for you.
What I find is that often when we are in the situation where we make a decision and then afterwards we feel so terrible, I would need to know your specific thoughts, but usually we’re actually angry with ourselves. We are upset with ourselves for having made the decision. And so my guess would be that you are actually feeling betrayed by yourself, not by him. Although I also, betrayal is not really a feeling. That’s really a thought, right? A betrayal is an like an evaluation of a particular action. It’s like an analysis of a particular action.
And when you say, “How do I start repairing my thoughts?” You just got to work on your thoughts. So you look at all your thoughts about what it means that he had this sex and what you’re making it mean about yourself. And then you have to work on coming up with baby step thoughts for each of them to practice, right? That’s always the answer. So I think you have thoughts about him doing it. You’re making it mean something about you and your attractiveness. That’s why your confidence has plummeted. You’re making it mean something about yourself and your sex life with him, which is why you don’t want to have sex anymore. And then when you say my trust is broken, that’s such a fascinating thought because you agreed to this.
So no one broke any trust, except you may have broken your trust with yourself by agreeing to something that you didn’t want to do. That’s my guess. I would need to know what your specific thoughts were, but my guess is that you broke your trust with yourself and that’s what’s so painful. And so you have to figure out how to forgive yourself for that and take responsibility for these feelings you’re having and these thoughts and be able to work on those. And I think for you, that’s going to mean you also have to look at the thoughts that led you to say yes to this and why you did that.
And again, that’s not because doing this is wrong, of course, right? Lots of people agree to have sex with people outside their relationships, themselves or their partners, and feel great about it. I just want to be really clear. I’m not saying like allowing your husband to sleep with someone else is betraying yourself. No, of course not. I just think in your specific situation, the fact that you are now thinking you were betrayed and thinking your trust was broken, means that you weren’t clear and didn’t love your reasons for saying yes in the first place. And that’s why there’s all of this drama afterwards.