When you’re replaying a breakup, imagining a different version of yourself your partner might have loved more, or worrying that someone is “settling,” the problem isn’t the relationship, it’s the way your brain is using other people’s opinions to try to regulate your self-worth. In this Coaching Hotline episode, I answer two listener questions about rejection and attraction that illustrate how quickly your mind will outsource your value to someone else’s thoughts.
I break down why your brain becomes so invested in mental rehearsals, fantasies, and what-ifs, and how those patterns keep you from seeing your actual emotional life clearly. You’ll learn how to interrupt the urge to ruminate, how to question the premise that someone else’s desire determines your value, and how to build self-worth that doesn’t rise and fall with external validation.
Welcome to UnF*ck Your Brain. I’m your host, Kara Loewentheil, Master Certified Coach and founder of The School of New Feminist Thought. I’m here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you’re truly excited to live. Let’s go.
Welcome to this week’s Coaching Hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners and coach you from afar. If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline, all one word. Or text your email to 1-347-997-1784. And when you get prompted for the code word, it’s CoachingHotline, all one word. Let’s get into this week’s questions.
Here’s the first question for this week. “Hi Kara, I am a woman of size. I’m 5’11” and 250 pounds, technically obese. My partner is the same height and is not overweight.” Okay, well, first of all, that’s just why BMI is stupid. But. “Before I began dating him, he shared with me that he preferred petite women. I cannot stop thinking about this now that we’re in a relationship. He did admit to me that he would be more sexually attracted to me if I lost weight, but claims to love me just the way I am and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He felt very guilty for admitting it and to be honest, we have a really good relationship otherwise. How can I create thoughts that help me believe that he is not disgusted by me and is just settling on me?”
Okay. So, I love this question just because the question-asker has managed to get her partner to admit the thing that she fears is true. So we have a C that he said these exact words. I assume, yes, I would be more sexually attracted to you if you lost weight. My guess is that you asked him quite a few times. But it’s fine. We’ve got the C, which I kind of love, and now we’re going to talk about it, right?
So, let’s think about this. If I am dating someone and they are like, listen, I have to confess, I might be more attracted to you. I would be more attracted to you if you had your amazing personality and you also looked like Rachel Weisz, the movie star. Would I be offended? Would that make me feel like they were settling for me? I’d be like, nope. Because number one, Rachel Weisz is not an option for you, right? And of course, that person is incredibly conventionally beautiful and we’re socialized to believe that conventional beauty is the same thing as sexual attractiveness. But the whole reason it doesn’t bother me or wouldn’t bother me is that I know that I’m attractive and I feel attractive, right? So this whole problem here that you have is not about him. It’s not about him preferring petite women. It’s you preferring petite women. That’s the problem.
You think that petite women are more sexually attractive than you are. And you got him to admit that he has the same thought. And now you’re using it to beat yourself up, right? And to feel bad about yourself and the relationship, which guaranteed you would be doing anyway, even if you hadn’t gotten him to say yes to this. So you just have to see that this thing with your boyfriend is a red herring, right? It’s not the real issue. Even if he had steadfastly refused to admit this thing, you’d be having these same thoughts because these are your thoughts about you and your body.
You could 100% equally think, damn, I must be amazing because my partner wants to be with me even though I’m not necessarily his ideal random body type without a personality attached. Even though if he had to just pick what arrangement of features he’s attracted to in the abstract, it wouldn’t be me, he’s with me anyway.
And this is what I mean by these catch-22s. If he was very attracted to you and was attracted to curvy women, then you would think he didn’t care about the rest of you, right? None of this has to do with what he’s really said. So when you say, how can I create thoughts that help me believe he’s not disgusted by me, you have to create thoughts that help you believe that you’re not disgusted with you. He hasn’t expressed anything like disgust. He thinks he would be more sexually attracted to you if you lost weight. Who knows if that’s true, but that’s what society has told him his whole life. So of course he believes it. But he still loves you and wants to spend his life with you and you don’t say you’re not having sex, so it sounds to me like you probably are.
So the issue isn’t him, the issue is you, your thoughts. You have to work on your thoughts about being disgusted by yourself. And that you have this thought he’s just settling on you, right? You have to work on that thought that you’re someone who somebody would settle for. This is all about your relationship with yourself. It has nothing to do with him. And the first step in that is recognizing that even if he hadn’t said these things, you’d still have these same thoughts. They would just attach to something else.
And not making it mean that there’s anything. Let’s say you get a reservation at an amazing restaurant and then the chef was like, but be honest, if you could go to that one other restaurant that won the Michelin Star award this year, would you go? And you’re like, well, yeah, I mean, I would probably prefer that. It’s even better. It doesn’t mean the first restaurant isn’t good, right? It doesn’t mean you’re settling for the first restaurant or it’s disgusting. The fact that you’re taking it that way, that being your interpretation, is because of your thoughts about you. So that is what you have to work on.
All right, y’all, I know you’re as tired as I am of having the top podcasts in wellness or health and fitness categories be a bunch of dudes who don’t know anything about socialization and who are not taking women’s lived experiences into account. So if you are looking for ways to support the show and more importantly, make sure the show gets to more people, please leave us a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. And bonus points if you include a few lines about the way you use thought work and self-coaching or anything you’ve learned from the podcast in your daily life.
Those reviews are what teach the algorithms to show us to more new people. It helps us get new listeners all over the world. And I’ll be reading one story from a recent review in each of these question and answer episodes.
Today’s podcast review really gets to the heart of what I think I’m trying to do with this work. It’s from Benadger. Benadger, like Badger, but named Ben. And the title is Life-changing. The review says, “Kara is amazing. I have found her approach to thought work practicable and actionable and it has created existential change. It is modern philosophy for humans socialized as women. It has been so freeing for me to get to decide what I think and do and let go of the should have socialization. Thank you, Kara.”
Let’s do another question that’s kind of similar to this. Well, not similar, but in the love life vein. So, this question says, “I noticed that I obsess and ruminate over romantic relationships that end, even when I can objectively come up with reasons why they were a bad fit. I think the root problem is a lack of self-worth and seeking that from other people who seem vaguely compatible.
“I try to come up with alternative thoughts, but still find myself sliding into obsessive rumination, reimagining conversations and alternative outcomes that don’t involve ex disapproving or rejecting me, but rather approving of and admiring me. It’s constant and embarrassing and a drag. And more generally, I’m aware that I’m less present when I’m stuck inside my head so much. What’s the solution? A, come up with better thoughts, B, try harder to think those thoughts whenever I catch myself in some crazy mental mini movie reboot of a failed relationship, C, accept and even appreciate the criticism, D, all of the above.”
I would guess all of the above, but I don’t think C is so important. So, yes, I think you need to work on coming up with a new thought or two to practice about this. There’s another option, E, which is you need to be practicing these thoughts, not just when you are in this little movie reboot in your head. You can’t just wait until you’re in the middle of that to practice your new thought. So you need to be practicing your new thoughts consistently. And in this case, you need to be figuring out, what do you imagine that you would get to think and feel if somebody decided to keep dating you instead of not or if they admired you, whatever that means, right? What are the thoughts and feelings that you would get to have? That’s what you have to work on creating for yourself now.
So the solution is, yes, come up with a new thought or two to practice about this. It’s not really try harder to think those thoughts when you’re in the mental mini movie. It’s really you need to be practicing those thoughts all along. But I think probably there is a little element of trying harder in that you are used to doing this and it’s probably kind of seductive for you. It’s a way that you numb, like peace out from your current reality is to live in this fantasy world.
And so you have to be willing to give up the comfort and seduction of this fantasy world in order to be present with your actual reality, which is going to be uncomfortable. That’s why you’re trying to escape it. So that is also the work too is, are you willing to give up this fantasy in order to be with your actual current reality? Because I think that these fantasies are just the way other people use food or booze or whatever else to buffer, right? To zone out, to escape reality, to give yourself a hit of dopamine. And so you have to be willing to give that up and be uncomfortable and feel bad about yourself and think negative thoughts about yourself, right? And really get real and sit with your current reality and work on changing that.
Such good questions this week. I’ll talk to you soon.