I want you to picture this. You’re having so much trouble with anxiety and stress at work that you actually need to take leave for your stress. And you’re about to meet with your executive team to discuss your return to work. And before you get ready for that meeting, you start having what my client called the most intense and debilitating panic attack of her life. How would you handle it? What would you do? I’m going to share her answer and some other stories from students and clients from the Feminist Self-Help Society in this episode, so you’re not going to want to miss it.

Welcome to UnF*ck Your Brain. I’m your host, Kara Loewentheil, Master Certified Coach and Founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I’m here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence and create a life on your own terms, one that you’re truly excited to live. Let’s go.

Alright, my friends, today we’re doing something a little different on the podcast because I spend a lot of time talking about myself, my own thoughts, my opinions, my feelings and my experiences. And all the ways that I use thought work and changing my thinking to improve my life. But I think that can sometimes make it easy to feel, or to think really, to have the thought that somehow I’m different or just because I can do it, but you wouldn’t be able to do it or that there’s something that makes this naturally easy for me, which definitely not the case. I can assure you of that much.

So, what I want to do today is share some stories from people who have worked with me, from members of the Feminist Self-Help Society, which is my monthly coaching membership program and community. Then when we say monthly, that just means that you join and you stay as long as you want. It’s month to month. It’s like joining a gym. If you want to go to the gym for three months and then stop, you can. Actually, gyms make it very hard for you to cancel sometimes. We do not make it hard, it’s very easy.

But the point is it’s something that you are month to month for however long you want to be with us, learning about your brain and changing it. So that’s what we mean when we say monthly membership program, anyway, so I want to share some stories from my students in The Society, people who have done this work in my community. Who have learned the tools that I teach. Who have been coached by The Society coaches or me or both. So that you can get a sense of what is possible for you and hear it from the mouths of women just like you.

I am also just like you but I know it’s easy to think that I’m somehow different because I have the podcast or I wrote the book or whatever. So, I think it’s really valuable to hear from other people. The other reason I love sharing these stories is that in The Society, when people are ready to leave, they graduate themselves. This kind of goes with what I was just saying. That it’s totally up to you how long that you stay. And my whole work is focused around women’s autonomy and their kind of power and becoming the authority on their own lives and deciding what they want and need and how to best get it.

So, it’s not up to me how long you should be in The Society. It’s up to you and you graduate yourself when you feel ready and you feel you’ve gotten what you want. And that is a really important principle for us. So that’s why we call them graduation posts that gets shared or graduation stories. And I also love graduation because just like when you graduate college, you’re going to keep using what you learned. But you are sort of closing a chapter and looking back on where you came from and where you started. And that’s a very beautiful reflection process.

So, I’m going to start with a story that I kind of gave you a preview of in the intro, which is my student, Lauren, who shared this story with us. She said, I remember very clearly the day I decided to join the group because I was on stress leave from work and meeting with my executive team to discuss my return to work. And just before that meeting I had the most intense and debilitating panic attack of my life. After the meeting ended, I went down to the cafeteria in my building and joined from my smartphone.

A year on, I can say that this program has changed my life by disrupting the narrative I had of myself for the previous 40 years. Before The Society I had done a lot of work on myself to try and manage my anxiety and all of it has been useful, but it’s really The Society, Kara and the model. That’s the coaching model we teach inside The Society, that’s what she’s talking about, that helped me get to the next level.

This program helped me, love myself, become more productive, be a more honest and loving wife and mother. Leave a shitty work environment with full confidence, I would land something better, which I did, and just deal with the day-to-day frustrations and stressors that we all cope with. I wanted to take an opportunity to say how thankful I am to have stumbled upon Kara’s podcast four years ago and become a part of this wonderful community.

One thing that I always say people have been coming up to me at book events and things like that and people often say, “Thank you for changing my life or you changed my life.” And of course, I receive that. And I’m so glad that my work was helpful. But what I always respond, “I’m glad that I helped but you changed your life. I was just the messenger for the information and the tools that you needed.” Maybe if I coached you, I provided some perspective as well. I provided some direction. I helped you get unstuck.

But you’re the one who showed up for yourself. You’re the one who was willing to take the risk to actually try something to make your life better. There are so many people in the world who just spend their lives complaining and never doing anything about it, which is so tragic to me. That there are people who go their whole lives feeling bad, feeling anxious, feeling super stressed, feeling shitty about themselves, feeling like they’re failing, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like a victim of their lives.

And they don’t ever solve that and they don’t ever do anything and they just let their brain talk them out of ever trying anything new. So, anyone who has tried something new, to me, that is the bravery and that is the win. You are all incredible if you’ve just been willing to try something.

To try becoming aware of what you’re thinking. To try processing an emotion. To try changing a thought, even if it wasn’t fully successful the first time or even if it’s challenging to do it on your own. Which of course it’s more challenging to do it on your own than with support. Anything you’ve tried, you get to be proud of yourself for being someone who’s trying. And the irony is that the people who just complain and never do anything. They think and sort of their thought is if they’re doing everything that can be expected of them and the world is just not cooperating and that they don’t have any power.

And then the people who are actually trying and okay, maybe it’s a challenge sometimes, maybe you fail a little bit, maybe you can’t change every single thought immediately. But the people who are actually trying to change their life are then often really down on themselves for not having perfectly changed everything. When in fact if you try anything at all, you are setting yourself apart from the vast majority of people who will never try to change their lives.

And that is obviously what I would like to change because I think some of that comes from not knowing what our options are and not feeling empowered and that is what I want to help women do. But the point of that long walk around the block was that if you have tried anything, give yourself the credit for having tried it.

Okay, now I’m going to share a story from Sarah and this was her graduation post. And of course, all the posts in this episode have been used with permission. After 848 days I have decided to graduate myself. In this community, I found the peace I had been searching for my whole life. I have learned to accept the pain of being human and knowing that life will always be 50/50. And I’ve learned how to reduce the suffering I create for myself when I resist that human experience.

The Society has been the ultimate before and after in my life, and because of it I feel equipped for whatever lies ahead. I went back and read all of my old posts here and I am deeply nostalgic for the explosion of learning that took place in my first two years here. I watched myself grow so quickly and in so many unexpected ways that it felt like magic.

Since joining I have, and then she did bullet points, there’s a long list of bullet points, doubled my salary, found a job I truly love, become my own best friend, got my master’s degree. Had my first romantic relationship. Completed two impossible goals, healed my platonic anxious attachment. Made enormous progress on my romantic, anxious attachment. Stopped linking my self-worth in productivity. Learned to accept all of my emotions.

All of these changes and circumstances pale in comparison to how different I feel as a person. You could transport me back to my life when I joined and my thoughts about it would be entirely different. I’m so excited for all the new members who are beginning their journeys. If you’ve completed the Feminist Mindset Fix, that’s our first month course inside The Society is what she’s talking about, you already have all the tools that changed my life.

So, this list just gives me chills every time I read it. And of course, not everybody chooses to stay as long as Sarah did. Some people come for a few months. Some people come for a few years. Some people have been in The Society since it started and they’ve never left because to them it’s like going to a gym every week. You just do that, that’s part of your life. You’re not going to quit that. And then some people want a shorter experience.

Women are socialized to feel uncomfortable with the freedom to actually make decisions for ourselves, because then we immediately assume we’re doing it wrong and we need to do it right in order to be good enough. So even though I am sure that it would be more business advantageous if I just pretended that I had the answer to everything and told you exactly how long you need to be in The Society and exactly what thoughts you’re supposed to think and I just told you what to do.

I would never, ever, ever do that because I am trying to teach you and empower you to be your own authority and to be your own best friend like Sarah describes. Another incredible list came from my student, Veronica. In her graduation post, she said, in two years I have reduced my anxiety by about 80% by just allowing it. Totally shifted my money mindset. Left a great relationship that I realized wasn’t for me and did thought work on being single after that. Found the exact type of relationship with the exact kind of person that I didn’t even know I wanted or could exist. Fulfilled my sexual fantasies and I’ve created room to explore more and dream up more of them. Love that one.

Was laid off and didn’t die. Rested my brain and body for an entire six months, didn’t look for work, was creative instead. Have been ‘unemployed’ and didn’t die. Created safety and confidence to start my own business. Have earned almost $20,000 in this business, I’ll cross that mark before year’s end even without any new clients. Improved relationships with myself, my partners and my parents. Have realized some of my pain points that I had buried deep inside, like sadness about my relationship with my brother and my thoughts about friendships and what they mean about me.

Have created and lived into my dream life. So, thank you, Kara again, and thank you to all the members that have coached me, been coached by me, supported me, listened to me, cheered me on and related to me. I have so much love for all of you.

And that community inside The Society is part of what I think makes The Society so special, because that is what feminist liberation work is always about. It’s always done in community and it’s always done with women saying to each other, “The solutions that the mainstream world is offering us aren’t solving our problem. The mainstream world is just telling me that I just need to try harder to lose weight and work a full-time job while being a full time mom and never ever have a need or emotion that might bother my partner and make sure that I look like I’m 18 until I’m 75”, and, and, and.

That’s what the mainstream society tells you, you have to do in order to ever feel good about yourself. And so, women have always had to turn to each other and say, “What do you know? Is there a better way? What do we really think outside of what we’re taught we’re supposed to think and who we’re taught we’re supposed to be.” That’s why I think the community aspect is so, so important.

I have one more story I want to share with you, it’s from my student, Tiasha. And she says in less than two years in The Society, I navigated and left an abusive relationship. I got off my aunt’s couch and moved across state and became the main and then sole financial provider of my home. I got into a new field of work and in less than two months became the top performer on my team. I got a promotion in five months and after five more months I applied to another company for a larger role within the field. I nailed all three interviews.

I asked for a sign on bonus and they gladly accepted stating they think I’d be a valuable asset to the company and do not want to lose me to the market. I also started a side business and have been pursuing it in spite of doubt and fear and failure. I now know that I can manage my mind around anything and I have my own back. I am much more kind to myself in vulnerable moments and receiving positive feedback from my close family and friends about the changes they see in me.

I feel confident that I have all the tools I need to create the life I want. Thank you, Kara, and the whole team and all you members for the amazing support system here. I love you all so much.

This story to me is just such an example of what is so beautiful about this work. That somebody learns to love themselves in such a way that they can leave a relationship that is abusive or just isn’t working for them. That they can create their own career, that they can create a home for themselves, that they can advocate for themselves, that they can see themselves as worthy of that life that they really want. Because so much of society is programmed into us to make us want the life society tells us to have and then if it doesn’t make us happy to blame ourselves.

And I want every woman to know that they can create their own happiness through creating the life that they want. You have to change the way you’re thinking to do that. Because the current thoughts you have right now have given you the current outcomes you have in your life. You don’t control everything in your life with your thoughts. Obviously things happen that aren’t created by our thoughts. But how we respond to them, how we react to them, what opportunities we see to change our lives, that’s all created by our thinking.

And so, your current thoughts are going to create the current life you have. And if you love your life and you just listen podcast for fun, then that’s awesome. And maybe you love some parts of your life. But if you’re listening to this podcast every week or a lot, there’s something in your life you want to change. And so, my question to you is just, how long are you going to wait to do that? How long are you going to wait for something to magically change for you or for your brain to just change itself? And do you really want to have to wait that long?

Or do you want to just come learn how to change your thoughts on purpose so you can create the outcomes you want on purpose now? One of those seems like a way better option to me. So, if that is you, if this is speaking to you, then I want you to come join us in the Feminist Self-Help Society. And if not, or even if it does, either way, I am going to see you all again here next week, because that’s what I do.

I show up for you every week here and I show up for myself in this podcast, in this commitment to myself, in the way that I speak to myself, in what I am willing to do to make my dreams happen. And that’s not because I am superior in any way or better than anyone else at all. It’s just because I know how to think on purpose. And I’m willing to try and fail at that over and over until I get what I want. And I know that you’re capable of that too. And so, if you want to see what you truly are capable of, then I want to encourage you to come join us and let’s find the fuck out. Have a beautiful week, my friends.

If you’re loving what you’re learning on the podcast, you have got to come check out the Feminist Self Help Society. It’s our newly revamped community and classroom where you get individual help to better apply these concepts to your life, along with a library of next level blow your mind, coaching tools and concepts that I just can’t fit in a podcast episode.

It’s also where you can hang out, get coached, and nerd out about all things thought work and feminist mindset with other podcast listeners just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on Earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at www.unfuckyourbrain.com/society. I can’t wait to see you there.