Are you staying in a relationship because you truly want to stay, or because you are afraid of what you will think about yourself if you leave? This week, I answer a Coaching Hotline question from a listener who is wondering whether she is staying in her marriage because she wants to or because she is scared of how mean she will be to herself if she chooses to leave. I talk about why you cannot make a clear decision when you are also preparing to punish yourself for one of the options, and why learning to trust yourself is the first step to making choices from confidence instead of fear.
Welcome to UnF*ck Your Brain. I’m your host, Kara Loewentheil, Master Certified Coach and founder of The School of New Feminist Thought. I’m here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you’re truly excited to live. Let’s go.
Welcome to this week’s Coaching Hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners and coach you from afar. If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline, all one word, or text your email to +1 347-997-1784. And when you get prompted for the code word, it’s coaching hotline, all one word. Let’s get into this week’s questions.
Here’s the listener question. “I love my husband, but I often wonder if we’re truly compatible. We don’t enjoy any of the same things. I know it’s my thoughts making me feel more unhappy than happy, but I also worry I’m staying because I’m scared of how mean I’ll be to myself if I leave. How do I create confidence that I can manage my mind no matter what I choose?”
So, you’ve got the answer right in the question. You’re afraid you’ll be mean to yourself if you leave. So that is what we have to take off the table. We can’t leave that up to your brain and see if it decides to be mean. It will. So what I would be doing in your scenario is practicing thoughts now about how I want to think about myself, whether I stay or leave, or in the specific instance in which I leave. So, I would be practicing those thoughts now. Decide ahead of time what you want to believe about yourself if you leave.
Write down all those thoughts that you suspect you might have, right? You already have them. They’re already in there. Those mean thoughts are already there. Write them down so you can see them, really take stock of them, and then you can come up with some alternative thoughts, right? So that you are practicing ahead of time what to think about yourself.
If you just leave that to chance, your brain is for sure going to be mean, and you’re not going to be able to make a clear decision. There’s a whole other answer I could give you about why does it matter if you don’t enjoy the same things? Like if you love someone and you’re happy in the relationship other than you like doing different things, why is that a problem? But you’re not going to be able to think through any of that stuff clearly if in your mind you’re like, well, okay, but if I decide to leave, then I have to punch myself in the face. So we have to work on that first, and you have to be practicing the thoughts now so that you won’t punch yourself in the face, and then you’ll be able to make a much cleaner decision.